Stupid Oneshots
by Shadowman55
Summary: This is a lot of stupid one-shots that occur in the Twilight world. Rating is dependent on chapter.
1. If Looks Could Kill

Note: I don't own any of the characters. I got the ideas for these from a friend who is doing one like this called Oops.

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_**If Looks Could Kill**_

**(Jasper's P.O.V.)**

I was walking along, past Emmett's and Rose's room when I heard what could not have been good.

"Emmett, will you please stop staring at it and just put it in?" Rose sighed.

"But, Rosy, it's so big." Emmett whined.

"Emmett, I don't think our family will want to come in with you staring at something because it's _big_." Rose stated.

"Oh, fine, I get your point." Emmett snickered.

I didn't _dare_ stick around so I went downstairs to get the food, but that didn't last long.

"Dammit, Emmett, it's not supposed to go there. It's supposed to go higher." Rose yelled, cursing slightly.

We didn't even wait for Emmett's response; we all pounded up the stairs and into Emmett and Rose's room to see Emmett's shirt off. We all looked at each other ashamed and walked downstairs. I sat at the kitchen table when I heard Rose sigh.

"That was close. Now, you know where it goes, right?"

"Yes, honey. It goes higher, in the hole." Emmett groaned.

I looked over at Esme, who was looking beat red at their stupid conversation.

"Emmett, please stop teasing me and just put it in. I would like to take a shower tonight." Rose sighed, angrily.

I heard a somewhat soft _thump_ and looked at Esme. She was ready to storm up there, but common sense told her to listen longer and see what was happening. I shook my head.

"Emmett, it won't go any farther in. You bent it."

"Yeah, well it didn't hurt."

We all took off like bats out of hell and slammed against the door. We barged in to see Emmett and Rose on the ground, the table of their room between them. Emmett held a bent leg of the table in his hand. Emmett was staring at us in surprise and Rose was glaring daggers at us.

_If Looks Could Kill._ Edward thought to me.


	2. Werewolf Idiots

Note: I don't own any of the characters. I got the ideas for these from a friend who is doing one like this called Oops.

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_**Werewolf Idiots**_

**(Jacob's P.O.V.)**

"Jake, will you please stop sitting there and join us?" Embry called to me.

I sighed and stood up. I entered the kitchen to see Embry, Paul, Sam, Seth, and the rest of the pack wearing bathing suits.

"We would like to go tonight."

We all got outside and hid behind separate trees. We transformed and took off for the hot springs. We got close and again transformed. We all dove into the water and spread out. I went around the corner and rested against the side. Sam came around with Emily and I sighed.

_I'll never get a mate. I haven't imprinted on anyone. I'm pathetic._ I thought bitterly.

I heard Leah scream and swam back around the corner. I saw Leah up on the grass, glaring at the water.

"Seth, you idiot, I thought it was a snake." Leah screeched at her brother.

"Hey, sis, calm down. I didn't do it. And glaring at the water won't part it or tell who's guilty." Seth argued.

"Paul?" Leah asked.

"Sorry, not your guy." Paul muttered.

I looked around and caught Jared sitting close to the spot where Leah had been.

"Embry?" Leah looked worried.

"No way, Leah. I've seen you pissed enough. I'm not stupid enough to do it again."

Leah looked at me and I smirked.

"Don't even think about it. I was around the corner, so were Sam and Emily."

"Jared?" Leah sobbed.

"Damn, you caught me."

Leah jumped in the water and waded over to Jared.

"Don't _ever_ do that again, got it?" She growled.

"What are you gonna do to me? Bite me?" Jared laughed.

We all saw Leah jump backwards and Jared drop underwater.

"Werewolf idiots." I heard Sam mutter.

I turned to him and nodded.


	3. Betting Breaths

Note: I don't own any of the characters. I got the ideas for these from a friend who is doing one like this called Oops.

I'll warn you guys. Emmett's deal is a little higher rated so if you don't like that type of stuff. . . STOP NOW!! Otherwise, enjoy.

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_**Betting Breaths**_

**(Alice's P.O.V.)**

I sighed as I watched Edward and Emmett stare each other down in a contest of who could hold their breath the longest.

"Hey, guys, crank it up a bit. Bet something on it." I mumbled.

Edward pointed to Emmett and held out a timeout sign. They took deep breaths and looked at each other.

"Okay, little brother. If I win, you have to make love to Bella… in front of me." Emmett grinned.

I got to my feet as did Rose, Carlisle, Esme, and Bella. Jasper just sat there, roaring with laughter.

"Emmett, what are you thinking?" Esme shrieked.

He grinned like an idiot and I got a snap into the future.

_Emmett was sitting on the couch in Edward's room, grinning as he watched Edward slide in and out of Bella. Her moans made Emmett too tempted._

"_Edward, you're not doing it right."_

_Emmett got to his feet and pulled Edward away from Bella. He got in bed with her and started moving against her, clothes on, in a demonstration of how to make love to someone._

I showed the vision to Edward and Edward growled.

"If I win, you have to go kiss that werewolf chick." Edward growled.

I looked at him and had another vision.

_Emmett crossed the yard to that werewolf chick's house and knocked on the door. An older woman opened the door and smiled._

"_May I help you?" She asked._

"_Is Leah here?"_

"_Hold on a moment. Leah, you got a visitor."_

_Leah stumbled down the steps and looked at Emmett. Her mother left and she growled._

"_What are you doing here, bloodsucker?"_

_Before she could say anything else, Emmett captured her lips with his own. She did something none of us expected. She leaned into the kiss and we heard her moan as she pulled him closer to her. All our mouths dropped open at the sight and we stared as she entwined her hands in his hair._

I gagged at the sight and showed it to Edward. His mouth hit the floor.

"Deal." Emmett grinned.

Emmett and Edward stopped breathing and I watched as they battled on and on. Bella slid closer to me.

"Can you see who will win?" She whispered.

_Emmett stood there, starting to sweat. He opened his mouth and sucked in large gulps of air._

I leaned close to Bella and lowered my voice so only she could hear me.

"Emmett will lose. Oh man, this will be good."

Emmett stood there starting to sweat. He opened his mouth and sucked in large gulps of air.

"Told you so." I cheered.

Emmett cursed and we all stepped outside. Edward swung Bella onto his back and we took off after the familiar scent of Leah.

"Her name's Leah." Carlisle said to Emmett.

Emmett nodded. We got to Leah's house and we hid behind the bushes. Emmett crossed the yard to that werewolf chick's house and knocked on the door. An older woman opened the door and smiled.

"May I help you?" She asked.

"Is Leah here?"

"Hold on a moment. Leah, you got a visitor."

Leah stumbled down the steps and looked at Emmett. Her mother left and she growled.

"What are you doing here, bloodsucker?"

Before she could say anything else, Emmett captured her lips with his own. She did something none of us expected. She leaned into the kiss and we heard her moan as she pulled him closer to her. All our mouths dropped open at the sight and we stared as she entwined her hands in his hair.

When Emmett finally broke the kiss, we left and headed back to the house.

"Oh. My. God." Bella whispered, her eyes wide.

"Oh come on, it wasn't _that _bad." Emmett grinned.

We all heard a low _thwack_ as Rose smacked Emmett in the back of the head.


End file.
